Kendra stood there in her lab coat and sloppy shoes, waiting for Josh to say something. Her arms were crossed, an impatient expression on her face. She was missing lunch for this. She was about to yell at his frustrating silence, when he finally announced,
“I can feel worms in my prostate.”
Kendra leaned back against the rough trunk of the sprawling oak tree and raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. I think it’s a case of Michelangelo’s Plague.”
“What the hell's that?”
“I don’t know but it's caused by worms in your prostate gland. It’s only a matter of time before I start pissing semen and ejaculating urine. Everything’s turning upside down down there.”
"Fabulous."
"I'm not kidding. I'm in serious pain here."
"Uh-huh." She smacked a cigarette free from a fresh pack of Kools.
"You're gonna smoke around me?"
"We're fucking outside, Josh."
"So? Burning tobacco near me might aggravate my condition."
"You don't have a condition, Josh. You're worried about a disease that doesn't exist. "
"It does too exist! I read all about it on a serious, reputable website!"
"Take it down a notch. You're losing your shit." She looked around to make sure no one had heard his outburst, then said, "How could you possibly get worms inside your prostate? It doesn't make sense."
"They traveled up my urine stream, like salmon."
"Salmon don't swim up urethras. At least not in this region."
The ground around them was littered with autumn acorns and as the word "acorn" occurred to her, she remembered learning about acorn weevils in earth science class and briefly wondered how many of the acorns around them hid developing larvae inside. She also thought about squirrels. And storage.
Then she redirected her attention back to Josh and his absurd panic.
"You know what I mean. Not literal salmon. I was using a simile. Anyway, these worms are thin as hairs and can squirm straight up into your junk. They're attracted to the yellow warmth of your pee. They can sense it, like bats."
"So bats can sense piss?"
"Another simile! Jesus Christ!"
"Okay, okay. Sorry. Hold it together for chrissakes." She stepped to the left. Acorns crunched under her shoe.
"I'm sorry too. I don't mean to get so upset. I've just been so frantic dealing with this cruel disease. One of the symptoms is that it feels like someone is squeezing lemon juice straight into your brain. It can unnerve a guy."
"Okay. I'm sorry too. So how did you contract the Da Vinci disease?" She squinted one eye and took a drag of her cigarette. Out of courtesy, she blew the smoke out the side of her mouth, away from his face.
"Michaelangelo's Plague," he corrected.
"Yeah, that. How would you even be exposed to these worms? Were you urinating over a nest or something?"
And then a buzzing horsefly zapped into her head like a kamikaze pilot and she waved it away with a grunt of disgust. "Hate those fucking things!"
"They sting."
"No shit, genius."
"No, I mean the worms in my prostate."
She made an exasperated sound. "You don't have worms in your prostate! Jesus."
"I do too. You're just being too skeptical and doubty."
"Doubty?"
Her annoyance had turned to boredom. Why was she wasting her lunch break listening to this nonsense?
"Yeah. You're notorious around here. You don't believe anything."
”I'm a scientist, Josh. I'm trained to be `doubty.’ I also think you're a hypochondriac with delusions of sanity." She chuckled at her own unintended oxymoron.
"Ha-ha. Very funny." Then he grabbed his crotch firmly with both hands. "Oh my god! I'm leaking!"
Kendra looked around again. This was getting embarrassing. Josh's silly phobia was growing out of control and starting to alarm her. She'd seen versions of it with others. She was reminded of her kid brother, Glen and that whole thing with the radishes.
She said, with low sober tones, "Calm down. Please. Do you need to go to the hospital?"
"I need, I need…" His face had blushed a hot red.
"Yes?"
"I need to go to the bathroom…"
And she glanced down in time to see a large dark wet-spot blossom across the crotch of his tan corduroys.
"Jesus Christ," she said.
"I told you! Now do you believe me?"
"I believe you just pissed yourself, causal factors aside." It was an athletic achievement not to burst out laughing. She’d never seen such a ridiculous spectacle in her life. She dropped her cigarette and mashed it flat under her shoe.
"Okay, come on, Josh. We'll get you some help," she told him in a commanding manner that brooked no objections. She took his hand, feeling absurdly maternal.
“What? Where?”
“I’m taking you to see Bernice.” She tugged him into a reluctant walk. They left the tree and headed toward the building where they worked, Kelly Green Health Center.
“Bernice? Why would I want to see her? She’s a gynecologist.”
“Exactly. She’s well-versed in the art of the reproductive organ.”
He stopped short. “My problem isn’t vaginal! In fact, it’s the polar opposite!”
“She’s been to medical school. Maybe she’s heard of your symptoms. At least she can dispel your belief in imaginary prostate worms.”
“You wouldn’t call them imaginary if they were chewing on YOUR reproductive organs. Maybe then you wouldn’t be so blithe about my infirmity!”
“Yeah yeah. Sure, okay.” She tugged his arm to get him moving again. “Just come on you big baby.”
“No, wait!” He jerked his hand out of her grasp. “I changed my mind. I don’t want Bernice prodding my privates.”
“Why the hell not? Let’s get to the bottom of this.”
“No, no. It’s way too embarrassing.”
“Oh, so now you’re turning demure?”
“I just can’t discuss my problem with a woman…”
Kendra’s face turned hard and anger entered her eyes. “What the fuck do you think I am, Joshua?”
“It’s different with you. We know each other. You’re like a sister to me, not a woman.”
“Sisters, for the most part, Josh…are WOMEN!”
“You know what I mean.”
“Quite frankly, I don’t. But fuck it. Suit yourself. I suggest you clean up and change your pants before you go back to work.”
“I don’t have any spare pants.”
“Well, I can’t help you there. I have jeans in my locker but we don’t share the same size. You’ll have to go home and change.”
”Can you drive me?”
“No. I have to get back to work.”
“Please?”
“I said no. Besides, I don’t want you sitting in my car with pissy pants.”
“That’s cold-hearted.”
“What can I tell you, Josh. That’s my malady.”
“And mean.”
“Ditto.”
“Fine, I’ll just…” Josh suddenly grabbed his crotch with both hands again. “Jesus! They’re slithering!” And he toppled to the ground, writhing. His face was twisted with fear.
She leaned over him. “What’s going on?” She lifted her phone from the pocket of her lab coat, ready to call emergency services. Josh had completely lost his mind.
“Wriggling,” Josh said. “Wriggling.”
And Kendra looked down to see tiny black thread-like creatures crawling from the cuffs of his pants.
“Wow,” she said, slipping the phone back in her pocket. “Looks like the problem solved itself. I’ll see you later, Josh. I’m going to lunch.”
And she left Josh floundering on the ground.